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Devon my love

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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2014|06:41 pm]
Devon my love

I really don't know why I so desperately still think it could be possible to have some fun with sex. Have I grown so old in my love that this is not possible? I want adventure and list and passion and rough fucking sex! I'm a human. A young human in my prime and instead of celebrating this I get nothing. It's so fucking disappointing. Maybe I should just leave. Just get the fuck out, this is so pointless. He doesn't even act like he likes me or wants me around. I'm an annoying burden. Why don't I make him happy anymore? Nothing does. Just fishing. First kombucha and now fishing. Never me. Never Devon. I thought I was his stardust, his soul, his life. I'm nothing. It makes me feel so worthless. Why do I fight for something that is just wasted and dead. Our love. Whatever that was once it's not the same anymore it hasn't grown it has faded. It's so sad and so pointless. It didn't have to be like this. I give him my everything. Maybe I gave him too much of myself and now there's nothing left. I quit my job why not quit him too. Move back to st pete or take drez and just move somewhere altogether new. North Carolina? I don't know. Anywhere but purgatory. I'm so unfulfilled and angry even. Angry that I've wasted so much time. The good times are killing me. Because I remember them and they hurt. And because It seems I can't touch them anymore. What was once right within my reach is distant and it crumbles when I get close. The tiny tastes I get of that blissful time are bitter sweet. They have the tang of fruit that has gone sour. They are broken memories from a broken heart and a misty mind.

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Sunday [Jan. 25th, 2014|08:38 pm]
Devon my love
Today was a long day. I got tattooed and then drez fell off her bike and hurt her ankle so we had to take her down to the ER. Shes fine its just a bad scrape. I am just very thankful it wasnt any worse.
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(no subject) [Dec. 21st, 2013|10:28 pm]
Devon my love

I lay here in bed among the blankets
This bundle of energy wrapped in
How can my brain be so vibrantly aware
When my body is so achingly tired
And so I slip into twilight being
Where half-thoughts can blend into
The wild fantasies of dreams
Bursting at the seams
With the excitement of night
I want light
I want color
I want sound
Give me that feeling of leather on my skin
That thrill of tediousness slipping away
Sweat coated skin and whispered words
I want the moon
Wrap it neatly in the galaxies
Sign it over to me
Slipping in and out of consciousness
I swear in silence
Swimming in cerebral eddies
Sloppy kisses and tangled tongues
Write me into your world
Signed, your little girl.

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December in Florida [Dec. 12th, 2013|10:10 pm]
Devon my love

Dear diary haha I never write in you. That's because I haven't spent a whole lot of one on introspection

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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2013|07:36 pm]
Devon my love
Today was a very relaxing day/ the constant rain puts me in a good mood. I dont find it depressing or dark. I think its refreshing. It washes us and bathes the hurt and the heat away. It is just way too fucking hot in florida I dream of the day when i can wake up and smell misty morning air. feel sweet smelling breezes as they come across fields and mountains. It will be so peaceful. Just living in the world and not just filled with sweat sweat sweat. Sometimes its awful to be a human being.
just saying..
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(no subject) [Jun. 27th, 2013|10:58 pm]
Devon my love
It has been a while since i wrote. I havent had the time to be keeping up with a journal. Life has been busy but busy is so much better than being depressed. I dont have time to be depressed either. I can live with that. I have been fantasizing about what life will be like when i have more kids. I know Adolfo will make such a great daddy. I cant wait until our lives are stable enough that he and i can decide the time is right to try. Its hard to watch my friends all having their second babies and i want another one so bad. Dresden is getting so big. I want to be a mommy to a little baby again. I feel like i have done a good job with Dresden. She is so freaking smart and funny and adorable. Everyone is crazy about her and its not hard to see why. She charms everyone with her funny songs and her deep chortle. I am going to see Monsters Inc with her tomorrow at the movie theater. i am taking wolf too. I thought it might be nice every once in a while for Drez to see her parents together getting along. Although i dont think wolf and i will ever be on the same page enough to really be friends again at least we can do our best to get along for the sake of working together as parents. We disagree on so much with Dresden and honestly this is so hard. To have to share your child it is tough. i miss her so much during the week. I want to be with her or near her always. When shes at his house she might as well be on a different planet. Just hearing her little squeaky voice on the phone is not enough. I need her in my arms and doing our secret handshake before bed. I need that handshake just as much as she does. Anyway. I really want to encourage myself to keep going in the right direction. Things are going pretty damn good for me lately and all i need to do is keep up the good work. It all pays off in the end.
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(no subject) [Apr. 16th, 2013|08:16 pm]
Devon my love

Placate and pacify
Crickets chirp their chorus
Reminding you to turn on the porch light
Don't forget me out here in the dark.
When poems ooze from the earth surrounding me
The rocks shift unsurely
They don't know their lot
How could I know what was to come
Fear anxiety bones and blood
Patterned masks and shredded cloth
Make love to me out here in the dark

Disease and destroy
Plant flowers in your eyes
So you can't see the massacre
In between the elms and pines
The moss creeps slowly to cover the place
Where I've hidden it
Where it will die
Alone out here
Under the black sky.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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(no subject) [Apr. 13th, 2013|12:52 pm]
Devon my love
I want to absorb. To inflate. To collide. To cut away. To polish, debride. If anything can rid this feeling inside. I welcome it to stare down these bloodshot eyes.
If battles are won and nations rise. Why does the mockingbird weep and cry.
This is not the answer. This is not the end.
Feathers explode out of thin air.
Drowned in black down.
With no sound. And no ground.
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2013|10:00 am]
Devon my love
perhaps there is something wrong with both of us.
the way we are composed is not quite right
the blend of cells and bones and light
the ratio is off.
My dear you were meant to be in my arms
enclosed in my warmth
me in your safe embrace
but things are not always as they seem
as you cuddle me, as you stroke my hair
the demon waits within
to burst through when he cant take it anymore
the hiding the isolation
its too much
gnawing and biting with teeth like knives
gnashing away at my insides
he will never let me sleep
the embrace is filled with heat and anxiety
it wipes me out
until i am numb staring at a place to the left of your head
i am empty
wash away my pretty face
and leave nothing but a line .
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2013|08:49 am]
Devon my love
stars fall and fade
persuading the moon to come away
but the night is so warm
the silence is absolute
and for a moment i feel calm
morning always breaks with earthquakes
trembling fingers and cloudy eyes.
the light shines in, welcoming, peaceful
but the broken shutters do well to block its path
It is dark in here now
inside my head.
i can fantasize about the pain
make love to it here
in my brain.
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